Mostly because I am going through a hard time. I’m sure if I look back on the posts that I have made they are all about Drew and what an asshole he is. Right? Am I right?
Well this sucks balls.
And after about a year of not posting anything, I am still in the same predicament. Except that now I am the one being dumped. Sure things have changed. And part of me feels like it’s easier to let go, but why does it seem so much harder once it seems definite?
It’s as if there is an emptiness there that will never be filled again. Because it will always be reserved for my old little family, Drew and Peppy. Rachel tells me that maybe I’ll always love him, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be together in order for me to feel that. Sounds pretty true.
The thing that’s fucking me up is my own self esteem.
The thought of him being with another girl.
The thought of that girl eventually being called MY dog’s “mommy”.
Those things kill me.
The thought of him forgetting about me. Or the thought that he has fallen out of love with me. The thought that one day I will fall out of love with him. The thought that maybe he doesn’t cry about this. That he isn’t letting himself feel anything. That maybe there is no feeling to not let himself feel.
The fact that it won’t ever work.
No matter how hard we try.
That kills me.
I have never been through a break up where I was living with someone. I now know that it’s completely different. And that I won’t make that mistake again for a very long time.
How will I forget about my dog? It’s like trying to forget about your child. That may be the hardest part.
Sometimes I seriously feel like this is wrong. Like we should keep trying. But in the back of my mind I know, that we will never be happy together. Hell, he may never be happy on his own let alone with me. I have to think about myself and that is difficult. I am so used to my life revolving around him. Caring about him and what he wants and what he thinks. I think about it now and…
I am gone.
I have become a completely different person just being around his depression. I become lazy. I don’t take care of myself. I sit around with him and watch tv all day. And deep inside I always knew that wasn’t me. I am supposed to be singing and making things and drawing and smiling. I should always have a smile on my face, and I don’t.
You would think that it would be easier to let him go. With everything we have been through, all the bad. But not everything was bad. We laughed.
My god did we LAUGH.
But he said to me on the phone,
“I’m not funny anymore.”
“I’m miserable.”
“I’m a mess.”
“I won’t change my answer.”
So I am left with no option but to move on.
Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like my chest is caving in, but I’m alive.
That’s about all I can say right now.
I’m still alive.
Nothing anyone says really makes you feel better when you’re in these kinds of circumstances…So just hang in there and know we’re thinking about you.