And then maybe they wouldn’t complain about their taxes being raised.
I seriously have never been more afraid of what is going to happen in my future. Things aren’t looking to hot considering the fact that unemployment is dicking Drew around and every job that he tries to get, stupid assholes don’t call him back. He’s depressed and unmotivated. Seeing that he was already out of work all of last year when he broke his neck (that’s a long story). And now he just got laid off again. I’d be depressed wouldn’t you?? Fuck, I AM depressed. About my own shit AND about his shit. I have two peoples worth of depression on my plate. And people wonder why I drink….
Getting kicked out of my house was by far the worst and best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Sure it made me more responsible and it made me realize what the real world is like, but it also gave me no room for movement. In a dead end job for god only knows how much longer. Clinging to alcohol because I’m afraid of actually having to go to sleep at night facing the real straight fact that I’m poor and miserable. I have tried to think positive and ocassionally it works. But most of the time I find it EXTREMELY difficult to see the brightside of anything. How am I supposed to when everything seems so hard, and I HATE the place that I live. Hate it! There are places that are worse I know. Like Appalachia. I know. But my point is that I don’t live in Appalachia. I live where I live and it’s ultra shitty and I don’t know how I’m going to get out.
But with all this shittiness I seem to have come up with a plan. I’m skeptical about whether I can control my alcohol intake without AA but have decided that it’s possible. So I am going to really try to rewire my brain. And take a serious look at myself and why I have such a problem with alcohol.
To anyone who is reading this right now, I am sorry that I am being so pessimisstic. I am just losing hope.
Before I go though I will say that I love my boyfriend. He is so wonderful to me. I called him into our bedroom last night because I was feeling really shaky and ill and he just held me and talked to me for a few minutes as I proceeded to say that I had no idea why he was attracted to me and that I am a disgusting individual who deserves to be alone for the rest of her life. He just told me that he WAS attracted to me and didn’t he just give me “a pounding a few minutes ago?” as he humped my leg… prompting me to laugh of course therefore making me feel better. He just told me how much he loves me. And then I slept easy. Even if I say that I hate him sometimes or that he’s a lazy idiotic asshole, he is always the one that at the end of the day, I could never see myself living without. He’s my best friend in the whole world. And the one thing in my life right now that I am truly thankful for.
i love you. and i’m proud of you for everything that you are and everything you are going to be. i’m proud of you for saying that you’re going to take a step back and look at WHY you drink as much as you do, because you know what? life isn’t that bad. cape may only sucks as much as you make it out to and you need to just suck it up and make the best of it while you are stuck in this soul sucking little black hole. because really. you have drew and you have me… which is awesome. and you know what else? we can have SO MUCH FUN in this soul sucking little town, i promise. you have yourself so convinced that your life sucks so bad, but you know something? it really doesn’t. you have a job that pays the bills (most of the time), you have a boyfriend and friends that would do anything for you and you have a roof over your head. you’re three for three on the happiness scale, and even though those things may not be perfect 100% of the time, please try and take a step back and look at everything that you DO have because in the grand scheme of things, i’d say you have it pretty fucking good.
i love drew, you know that. i think he’s fabulous and he totally makes me laugh. i love the person that you are when you are with him, but you can’t take on his worry too. that was something that i had to learn the hard way in my relationship. i was making myself so sick worrying about EVERYTHING. my problems, steves problems… i felt like if i didnt worry about everything then no one would worry about things and nothing would ever get taken care of. i was seriously making myself sick over it, but i couldn’t let go. so i left.
and do you know what happened when i left? steve started worrying about his own stuff and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. i’m not saying you should leave drew. i’m soooo not saying that. what i am saying is that you need to let go a little. i know it’s hard, trust me… i fucking know. but when you stop taking on all of his worries, he’ll pick up the slack.
and as for money, you have plenty. just quit with the drinking. quit smoking. downgrade your cable package. there are things that you can do to save money that you probably havent even thought of. like i said… we need to sit down and figure out a budget for you that you can live with… you would be surprised how much worry that would take off of you.
love your faceeeeeee.
Well said! Where do you live? Is it just you and Drew?
Go for a job somewhere that is goverment funded chances are you’ll be alright – goverment is always giving money out! I just secured a job with a non-profitable organisation. Way to go I reckon!
You’re beautiful, hilarious and smart (I can tell all of this from reading your blog). Keep your chin up. Latch on to Drew and Rachel, best friends help.
I DO recommend the budget. Then you can start planning and saving for a way to get OUT of Cape May, if that’s what you want to do. Good luck. You’ve got this shit!
Hey Sara,
I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty time of it. You don’t deserve it. Ever since Rachel suggested I add you on twitter I’ve found a girl who is 1. hilarious 2. gorgeous 3. interesting 4. smart and 5. all-round awesome. Seriously. Even from across the ocean I can tell that you’re amazing, so what does that say about you??
You’re thousands of miles away and still your bittycolourness manages to shine from way over there. You’re one of my favourite bloggers and you’ve only been online a little while! Rachel’s right – you have her and you have Drew – and not that I’m much use all the way over here but if you were ever in need of an inter-continental friend… I’m your girl!
Hope things start to look up, and good luck with the booze slowdown!
xxxxxx