I’m back… March 24, 2010

Mostly because I am going through a hard time. I’m sure if I look back on the posts that I have made they are all about Drew and what an asshole he is. Right? Am I right?

Well this sucks balls.

And after about a year of not posting anything, I am still in the same predicament. Except that now I am the one being dumped. Sure things have changed. And part of me feels like it’s easier to let go, but why does it seem so much harder once it seems definite?

It’s as if there is an emptiness there that will never be filled again. Because it will always be reserved for my old little family, Drew and Peppy. Rachel tells me that maybe I’ll always love him, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be together in order for me to feel that. Sounds pretty true.

The thing that’s fucking me up is my own self esteem.

The thought of him being with another girl.

The thought of that girl eventually being called MY dog’s “mommy”.

Those things kill me.

The thought of him forgetting about me. Or the thought that he has fallen out of love with me. The thought that one day I will fall out of love with him. The thought that maybe he doesn’t cry about this. That he isn’t letting himself feel anything. That maybe there is no feeling to not let himself feel.

The fact that it won’t ever work.

No matter how hard we try.

That kills me.

I have never been through a break up where I was living with someone. I now know that it’s completely different. And that I won’t make that mistake again for a very long time.

How will I forget about my dog? It’s like trying to forget about your child. That may be the hardest part. 

Sometimes I seriously feel like this is wrong. Like we should keep trying. But in the back of my mind I know, that we will never be happy together. Hell, he may never be happy on his own let alone with me. I have to think about myself and that is difficult. I am so used to my life revolving around him. Caring about him and what he wants and what he thinks. I think about it now and…

I am gone.

I have become a completely different person just being around his depression. I become lazy. I don’t take care of myself. I sit around with him and watch tv all day. And deep inside I always knew that wasn’t me. I am supposed to be singing and making things and drawing and smiling. I should always have a smile on my face, and I don’t.

You would think that it would be easier to let him go. With everything we have been through, all the bad. But not everything was bad. We laughed.

My god did we LAUGH.

But he said to me on the phone,

“I’m not funny anymore.”

“I’m miserable.”

“I’m a mess.”

“I won’t change my answer.”
So I am left with no option but to move on.

Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like my chest is caving in, but I’m alive.

That’s about all I can say right now.

I’m still alive.

Pain in my heart…. November 10, 2009

The majority of songs are written about it. It has inspired many a poem and novel. Everyone has heard of the damage that it can cause. 

Heartbreak.

Something that no one ever wants to go through, but something that is the main aid in self discovery. The sobering effect that a breakup has is unlike any other. Although every one is different in it’s own unique way, the same feeling always comes along with it; as if a hole was punched through your chest. Making you gasp everytime the air flows through it.

I can’t say that I have had many breakups. Maybe two or three I guess. The first ending my four year relationship with a person that never even wanted me there in the first place. Too enveloped in his own dysfunction to even care. The few relationships that I have had in the past did not even seem like relationships at all. More like things that I was supposed to be doing, and holding onto. It wasn’t until the relationship that I am in now that I ever felt what it was like to actually meld.

Drew and I hit it off from the beginning. Like it was meant to be. Everything fell into place perfectly. We became inseperable. Best friends. We spent all of our time together. But we were doomed from the start. About two moths into our relationship, Drew broke his neck at work one day when he got pulled up into a metal ceiling by some conduit. I honestly don’t even know if we would have made it as far as we did if that hadn’t happened. When he came over to my house after he got out of the hospital he was on all kinds of medication, barely able to stand up, and the first thing he did when he got up the stairs was grab a beer. From the stories that he has told me, Drew has never been one to turn down a “good time”. Being a teenager in the mid-nineties in Philadelphia, he was always dropping acid, doing meth or snorting coke. I knew what he did was wrong, and stupid, and not normal, but he could tell a story. And I loved to listen. I loved that he fell for me so quickly. It made me feel special. As time went on things got bad, then good, then bad again. Xanax is the Devil. And Drew loves it. He would go through long periods of getting high and then when something terrible would happen, like when he hit a parked car, or almost overdosed, he would clean up. He would apologize and say that he was done. It was stupid and he was never going to touch it again. Then 3-6 months would go by and it would start back up.

I have hidden half of myself away to be with this person. Keeping my creativity and intelligence at bay. Molding myself unknowingly into a version of him. I felt so comfortable with him that I didn’t want to try to break free or change or better myself.

The truth is, even writing all of this right now, I still just want to go back. Because it’s the easiest way. I would rather sacrifice my own happiness rather than feel this uncomfortable hurt. Even though I know that it will never be right, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I love him in one way or another, to the extent that it feels as if I am trying to rip myself in half. When he calls me grasping for anything, anything at all just to speak to me, I feel as if my heart is being torn out when I tell him that I have to get off the phone. In fact I think it hurts me more than it hurts him. But when I close my eyes and look into the future, I can see the end. I can see myself healing, and I can see us both moving on. It’s the stuff in the middle that gets me. The overwhelming lonliness and sadness. The wish to talk to him when I think of some funny little thing. He has taken over my mind entirely since July 30, 2007. Now I know I must think about myself, and how I want to live the rest of my life.

The truth is that even if I did go back, nothing would ever change.

I just have to remember that.

I am in love April 15, 2009

Drew and I have adopted a dog. He’s a red nosed pit and he weighs 35 pounds. His name is peppy. He has scars all over him. His ears have been crudely split. He’s a runt. And he was a bait dog. For those of you that don’t know, a bait dog is just what it sounds like, it’s the dog that is sent into the fighting ring that has two other dogs sent right after him to tear him up. He was the dog that had to fight for his life against all the bigger dogs. And as it turns out, he’s the sweetest thing ever. All he wants is love. When he eats his food, his tail goes between his legs and he looks around his shoulder constantly, scared look upon his face. He crawls up into my lap because he wants to be close to me, but his body jumps if you touch him too quickly. When I gave him his bone, he inhaled it because he was afraid that a bigger dog was going to take it from him. He hopped up into our bed and saw himself in the mirror for the first time and didn’t know what to do. He stiffened up, and thought there was another dog in the room. He is constantly reminded of the he’ll that he used to live in, but every second that he is with us, he relaxes a little bit more. His tail wags a little bit more. He LIVES a little bit more. Because this is the beginning. This is the beginning of his life as a real dog. Before, he was a chew toy. He was in hell, and now it’s time for his heaven. I want to cry, I am so happy. I am so glad that I could rescue this sweet baby that was about to be put down, because no one else wanted him. He is going to be the best dog ever. I am so grateful. And so is he.

I hate money March 15, 2009

So I make an average of 16,000 dollars a year. In other words… Nothing. Or in other words the most money ever. Meaning that I have never had more than 2,000 dollars at one time. Ever. No, really. Ever. I am poor.

The majority of my life I got whatever I wanted.

Honestly, I never asked for much. Mostly because I never thought that I deserved it. Even though we could afford it, I always felt guilty. Even when my mom bought me Nickelodeon GAK that one time. I felt like a bitch. Even though I was only 8 or something. I still felt like I didn’t deserve GAK. Ya know?

And now…

Now I feel worthless.

Everything that I used to have.

My gorgeous voice that I worked so hard for…

Has been ruined by alcohol and cigarettes.

My life is nothing without singing.

So what can I do but die ya know?

That’s all I feel like doing…

Fuck… March 5, 2009

Fuuuuuccckkkkk!!!!! Fuuucckkkkk!!!! Fffffuuuuccccckkkkk!!!!!
I just had to get that out.

So I am reading a book right now called Body for Sale: An inside look at medical research, drug testing, and organ transplants and how you can benefit from them
Yeah. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna go do some medical studies on my days off. And I’m going to make drew subject his body to medical research too. Unless of course he wants to get a job at wawa.
I’m sick of this shit.
I have change.

CHANGE!

What the FUCK am I going to do??
This country sucks balls. I want out. I want to move to a remote island where I can harvest my own fruit and collect rain water. Where money is not needed. After this summer I am fuckin out of new jersey man. Shitty shitty shitty. No one has any idea. It’s like a black hole. There is nothing to do but get get drunk and… Oh wait no. That’s it. That’s all there is to do. There is absolutely no opportunity for anything. God goooooooddddddddd!!!!!! My head feels like it’s going to explode. And rachel please don’t say “south jersey is only as bad as you make it” because we both know that you dont really believe that and you are just trying to be optimistic.
Anyone that actually wants to stay down here is absolutely crazy. No offense rache. But it’s true. There is NOTHING. I feel like giving up. I am so hopeless. I usually at least try to have a little faith that things are going to get better but right now I have none. None whatsoever.

Being poor is something that all rich people should try for a week…. March 3, 2009

And then maybe they wouldn’t complain about their taxes being raised.

I seriously have never been more afraid of what is going to happen in my future. Things aren’t looking to hot considering the fact that unemployment is dicking Drew around and every job that he tries to get, stupid assholes don’t call him back. He’s depressed and unmotivated. Seeing that he was already out of work all of last year when he broke his neck (that’s a long story). And now he just got laid off again. I’d be depressed wouldn’t you?? Fuck, I AM depressed. About my own shit AND about his shit. I have two peoples worth of depression on my plate. And people wonder why I drink….
Getting kicked out of my house was by far the worst and best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Sure it made me more responsible and it made me realize what the real world is like, but it also gave me no room for movement. In a dead end job for god only knows how much longer. Clinging to alcohol because I’m afraid of actually having to go to sleep at night facing the real straight fact that I’m poor and miserable. I have tried to think positive and ocassionally it works. But most of the time I find it EXTREMELY difficult to see the brightside of anything. How am I supposed to when everything seems so hard, and I HATE the place that I live. Hate it! There are places that are worse I know. Like Appalachia. I know. But my point is that I don’t live in Appalachia. I live where I live and it’s ultra shitty and I don’t know how I’m going to get out.

But with all this shittiness I seem to have come up with a plan. I’m skeptical about whether I can control my alcohol intake without AA but have decided that it’s possible. So I am going to really try to rewire my brain. And take a serious look at myself and why I have such a problem with alcohol.
To anyone who is reading this right now, I am sorry that I am being so pessimisstic. I am just losing hope.

Before I go though I will say that I love my boyfriend. He is so wonderful to me. I called him into our bedroom last night because I was feeling really shaky and ill and he just held me and talked to me for a few minutes as I proceeded to say that I had no idea why he was attracted to me and that I am a disgusting individual who deserves to be alone for the rest of her life. He just told me that he WAS attracted to me and didn’t he just give me “a pounding a few minutes ago?” as he humped my leg… prompting me to laugh of course therefore making me feel better. He just told me how much he loves me. And then I slept easy. Even if I say that I hate him sometimes or that he’s a lazy idiotic asshole, he is always the one that at the end of the day, I could never see myself living without. He’s my best friend in the whole world. And the one thing in my life right now that I am truly thankful for.

My moms letter to me a week before she moves to Florida… February 23, 2009

Dear sara,

Remember when….

I tried to burn your face into my memory when you were first born?
You taught yourself to swim?
You went to new York and stood ok the stage of the imperial theater?
We used to sing at the top of our lungs driving back from Philadelphia?
You put on your snowpants and boots, ran around in the yard and scared me half to death?
You got a mosquito bite on your cheek and it took a month to heal?
You cried for an hour after the “titanic”?
You sang “memory” in the mudroom for little dans wife holly?
I layer with you every night before you wentro sleep?

Remember when…
We took a trip to Virginia with Carly?
A girl named corrina lived down the road?
You were the star of “les mis” and your father actually came to all the performances?
You sang it that somers point bar and soon the din turned to silence?
You touched the wood stove?
Lech saved you from getting hurt by grabbing your leg on the steps?
Lech used to get upset in the morning when you stood in the driveway wanting to go to school too?
You were sick for all of 3rd grade and then I got it?
You made all those Christmas ornaments while you were sick?
You took your first steps just as Grammy walked through the door?

Remember when…
We Fiume Robert edwin to be the finest voice teacher there ever was?
You made a de even though you had a lung infection?
I held you tight?
We were at the beach and you found a little girl to play with who’s mom had passed on?
You were so overjoyed one Christmas with your dress up box?
Buddy fell into the pool?
You got your period for the first time and called home from school with the news?
I always worried you were going to choke on pizza crusts?
Mar. Eldon saw me in the hallway and told me you have “the gift”?
The pre-school teacher let you brush her hair?

I do.

Dear sara,
As you journey down roads unknown, your unwavering spirit will propel you.
Your smile. Your kindness. Your laughter. Your brilliance. The beauty inside and out are what make sara so special in my eyes.
My whole life I wanted a sister….
I did one better-
I got you.
Love, your mom

I have never cried so hard in my life. I actually think I’m dehydrated.

I hate my boyfriend February 21, 2009

Drew is such an asshole. Honestly I don’t even know why I am not single right now. I cannot stand being in a fucking relationship! It’s terrible. I mean, sometimes it’s good. He’s my best friend and we laugh a lot. We love eachother most of the time. But we make no progress together. The truth is we are both very shitty human beings. We drink too much. We smoke cigarettes. We hate the majority of people. But alone or together, we are very likeable to almost everyone and don’t have a problem being social. But I can never see myself being truly happy with him. And I have never admitted that to anyone. Sure we like the same things. But we don’t want the same things. We are both impulsive to the point that it’s disgusting. Really. I look at some of the dicissions that we have made together and am disgusted. I don’t how much more I can write about our relationship without my head exploding or crying so I’m going to go. More about us and our past later.

Protected: I hate stupid idiots: Another post about how I hate stupid idiots. February 20, 2009

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I feel like a dude February 19, 2009

I find myself questioning my sexuality. Not whether I am attracted to men or not. But when I’m with Drew, (my boyfriend of 1 and a half years) I feel like we are so comfortable in front of eachother that it may be having an effect on our sex life. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is great and our relationship is great, but I burp, fart, and make completely retarded faces in front of him. And I’m wondering if maybe I shouldn’t. But I always come to the conclusion that it’s a good thing, because I am being myself 110%. My mother said that she would never even have dreamed of farting in front of my father. They got divorced two years ago not that not farting has anything to do with it. I’m sure that even if she farted in his face every night they would still be divorced. The point is that, how could you live your life with someone, holding back like that. If I have to fart I’m going to fart and that’s that. And I realized, “you know what, if I can dance like an idiot naked in front of it boyfriend and then come dangeriusly close to farting in his face and he still wants to have sex with me, then we must have a good thing going on.” I will never hold back in another relationship. Assuming Drew and I don’t last forever, because nothing really lasts forever anymore. Anyone that can’t accept me for who I am doesn’t deserve to have me and can fuck off. I will never be the girl that says “ew” when my boyfriend farts or says some kind of nasty shit. I will be the one that laughs and says something even more raunchy. So I guess this wasnt really a post about a failing sex life, it was a post about how much I love my boyfriend. The end.